I am laying in bed on our new mattress trying not to think about how much it was, and how we really did need it (or so Will told me). Ten years from now. That is when the warranty on our new mattress is up. Why do I think about these things? Paranoia….I have 2 messy children…..in case our house burns down…..or gets flooded–pick one. I like to imagine worst case scenarios, make myself okay with them and then move on. Yea, I have problems–whatever. It occurs to me ten years is not really that long. Then I do some math. 10+3= 13. I will have a 13 year old daughter. 10+4.5= 14.5. And a 14 and a half year old son. 29+ 10=39, oh yes that will be my age. Panic floods me as I lay on my fancy mattress stare at my white ceiling. Ten years sounds like it’s around the corner. Just waiting for me. But teenagers? Almost 40? Old people are parents to teenagers and are 40 and over. (*okay, everyone 40+ do not judge me–you know you thought that at 29 too!). The reality that my children may not like me in ten years sinks in. Teenagers….sounds scary. Sounds far away and yet it is not.
Will they like me? What will our relationship look like? What can I do now to lay the foundation for a relationship that can withstand puberty, clicks, peer pressure, insecurities? I am thinker. I like to think through things, analyze, stratagize, read, discuss….. analyze some more. Parenting styles, techniques, relationships. Why does Suzy hate her parents and Bobby adores his? What happened? How can I be like Bobby’s parents and not Suzy’s? How can I communicate un-conditional love and acceptance to my kids. Tired yet? Welcome to my world.
But today is not teenager land. Today is potty training, cleaning up after ourselves, holding hands in the street. Today my daughter is coming up on three. Today she adores me. Today we are good. Today she served me imaginary tea and I gladly drank it. Today I told her I loved her. Today I hugged her and gave her kisses.
Carpe diem? That’s what you thought I was gonna say, wasn’t it! Nope. It may be true but its overused and I am not sure I totally agree with what it usually implies about the meaning of life. But, it certainly does remind me that our days are numbered. That I need to live for God today. That tomorrow is promised to no one. That I don’t need to be afraid because my life, my days and my precious children and our relationships are in the hands of the most loving person I have ever known, Jesus. In that I take comfort.
These images are for my sweet little girl….to my princess, I love you forever. Love your Mama.
This is the dress that I wore for my 3 year old portraits.